GOAL #1 and Cha Cha Changes

So today I am at 420 my goal weight for surgery. YAY! However, I will not be having surgery. After talking with my Hematologist I believe it's too risky for me to under go any surgery. I have a clotting disorder that has already caused me one pulmonary embolism....1 out of 3 pulmonary embolisms are fatal....so if surgery was to cause me another PE what are the chances of survival??? Not very good.

I cried about it a first then I realized the person who commented on my last blog was right....I can do this on my own....in fact I have been.... I started at 465 and now one month later I am at 420...45 pounds in one month is't too shabby! I CAN DO THIS!!!

that totally changes the focus of my blog...lol but I hope you will continue with me on my journey through losing weight without VSG.

ummm what?

So I start this blog about Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy and after yesterdays hematologist appointment I am afraid it might be to much of a risk to go through with surgery. I have to talk with the surgeon and weigh my risks of being obese against the risks of having a blood clot after surgery. I am feeling a little down right now....looking at the possibility of having to lose all this weight on my own...how can I begin to do that. True I have lost 42 pounds this month but can I do that every month? I just wish I knew what was going on...and notdo all the pre-op stuff if I am not going to be able to have surgery anyway. AHHH!!! aggravated

not very happy

I went to the hematologist today, something I do every 2 weeks and discussed weight loss surgery with them. They told me that I was going to be on blood thinners for the rest of my life....which was really disappointing...really! I thought if I was to lose weight that I would be able to go off the blood thinners and feel like a normal person again. I have my blood drawn every 2 weeks right now....and doing that for the rest of my life just seems so frustrating.

I am mad at myself, I feel like if I had never gained this weight I would never had a pulmonary embolism and I would not be in this boat. I feel so worthless right now....just HUGE and fat and ashamed of myself. I know this isn't a very uplifting blog but it's real. This is how being fat really is. Fat causes diseases and I feel like I brought my problems on myself and now I'm feeling overwhelmed like this hole is too big to dig myself out of this time...like I've too far gone. I mean, I am just so big...and I really feel like a waste of space today.


So much for being motivational huh? sorry ya'll....I just had to vent

Blessings ~

~quotes~

~If you do not hope, you will not find what is beyond your hopes.~
St. Clement of Alexandra

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.
Henry David Thoreau

“I have missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I have lost almost 300 games. On 26 occasions I have been entrusted to take the game winning shot .. and missed. And I have failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why... I succeed.”
Micheal Jordan quote

"Some people want it to happen, some wish it would happen, others make it happen."
Michael Jordan

When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
~Author Unknown

If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up and begin again.  ~Flavia Weedn

He conquers who endures.  ~Persius
 

Too much time to think

You know, I think a big part of my issue is too much time to think. WLS isn't something that you decide to do on Monday and it's done by Friday....if it as I would have an easier time...but there is a big waiting period from when you decide to have surgery, getting all you pre-op testing done and actually getting a surgery date. During that time you are given some tests to complete, some letters to gather and lots of time to think....and think....oh and, THINK!

I have thought my heart out...thought about all the risks involved, thought what my family would do without me, thought about what I will eat before and after surgery, thought about what my new life will be like when I lose weight....thought and thought and thought...which makes me exited but also gives me time to get nervous. But I'm feeling better now, thanks to advice here and at Vertical Sleeve Talk. I really believe I am making the right choice for me! I also believe God will be with me and not let anything happen to me that's not meant to be.

If you are awaiting your surgery and stuck thinking too much:

1. Make a Collage of your goals for your new life
2. Join a forum or online group for others who are having or had weight loss surgery
3. Get on twitter and talk to others in the same boat #wls
4. Get a book on WLS from the local library or AMAZON
5. make a list of all the things you are going to do at GOAL weight.
6 plan a future trip or cruise once you have reached goal. (even if it's just a dream!)
7. work on losing weight now
8. take a walk :) DANCE exercise!
9. go to a second hand shop and buy a goal outfit!
10. Pray!

Do it on your own

        The one thing that people keep asking me is, "can't you lose weight on your own," like I won't be doing any work if I get surgery. I understand that they mean can't I lose weight without surgery. Truth is, yes I can and, I have about 10 times. I have gotten down to a reasonable weight only to gain it back again. I'm tired of playing the yoyo....losing and gaining. The first time I went to weight watchers I was in SECOND GRADE!! I have been losing and gaining weight since I was 7!! That's 26 years of trying to lose weight....I am so tired of trying to keep a certain weight....for 26 years! This is exactly why I am not telling many people I know, because I don't want to hear people's opinions. Ya'll know what opinions are like...lol. I'm tired of hearing them....unless of course they are supportive :)

ehhhh

I have continued to walk daily and have not eaten any sugar or flour since May 5th. It's getting a little easier to motivate myself to walk every day, it kind of feels like my hobby now instead of a chore. I find that my body doesn't hurt as much and I'm getting more energy. It's not so bad. lol

sooo....

I talked to my parents and they seem really worried about me having surgery, which really makes me worry even more....even to the point of not doing it. I have had my doubt for the past couple of days but, I really want my life to change. The big question people are asking me is, "can't you do it on your own?" If I could,  think I would have by now. I mean yeah, I am working and this is just another tool but isn't it a BIG tool that could help me a lot? As of now, I'm still going through the steps to have surgery...and praying that if it's not meant to be there will be a road block that stops me from having surgery. I'm just so nervous, who ever said this is the "easy way out" has never been here before!! It's a lot of work, it's scary and then there is all the stuff that comes after surgery, like pain, learning what you can eat, and all the other things I haven't dealt with yet.

scared

Tonight I am flipping between excitement and nerves....I don't even have a date yet and I get these little panic episodes worried about surgery. EEEEK! I believe in God so I try to pray about it and pray that if I am not meant to have this surgery that the doors would close for me and if I am meant to have the surgery that all will go smoothly. I also wrote letters to my family just in case anything happens. I hate to be so morbid but I did have the near fatal pulmonary embolism 2 years ago and since then these things have been on my mind.
    On the other hand I am very excited to start my new life!!! I want to play with my children, run around with them and play like a kid again....SWINGS here I come!!! Life! Here I come!!

Hungerrrrr

Last night I had this ravenous hunger for food. I wanted to munch, to chew something crispy and salty like tortilla chips....or maybe sink my lips into some soft chocolate cake....I just wanted to eat. This hunger started after looking at some magazine's that my mom had given us. They all proclaimed to have diet secrets and exercise ideas in them but were also filled with recipes for NOT very good for me food. So I set the magazines aside, not really thinking of it, and not making any connection until today that all those food pics triggered my food addiction. I wanted to tear into some food so bad....so I allowed myself to eat and munch and enjoy....carrots...lol. OK so it wasn't the same but the chewing and crunching did help and I did think I felt real hunger. I was surprised that after my bowl of carrots I was satisfied and I watched a little TV. (America's next top MODEL whooohooo) and headed off to sleep satisfied.

I'm not crazy!

Yay! I got my psych letter today which must mean I am officially not crazy...lol. He did talk to me about the possibility of losing this weight on my own. Could I do it? Yeah. But I I have done it before and always gained the weight back. I obviously need some help. I need to work on my food addiction AND have some help in the hunger department. I really want to lose weight and if  can do this a little quicker and get on with my life, that would be awesome. I have so many goals to work on!

Support

Looking for support?

 Never have I seen such a supportive online community as the Weight Loss Surgery Community! Today I got a warm welcome from Debi at Hawaii Bound Bandstander which was super sweet! I have also been warmly embraced by the folks at Vertical Sleeve Talk if you are a member you can find me HERE or search JennsNewLife user members.

Many times people in beginning stages of something (such as weight loss), look for support online but when they reach their goals they forget about the others they met along the way....NOT this community. Those at goal are there to answer questions and give support to people at all stages of the journey. It's awesome!!

There is also a great twitter community you can find by looking for #WLS and #VSG.  They are another great group of folks there for support and encouragement.

Looking for some great blogs? Check my sidebar for the best ones I have found so far....also make sure to check out:

Hawaaii Bound Bandstander

MamaMonner

These two bloggers I have found especially supportive! :)

Vacation

My extended family goes on vacation every summer for the weekend in Daytona. In the past I have always gone but kinda didn't have as much fun because of my size. This year I wasn't going to go but then I said to hell with it, I am going to enjoy my last vacation as a fat person. I am going to bring my laptop and journal and take notes of stares, things I couldn't do and ways that being fat has held me back....it will be great to read when I have surgery and get that initial "what have I done to myself?!!" I am also going to try and have fun where I can. My daily walk will be nice to go on the beach, maybe get a tan. It will be a positive experience either way!

Right now I feel like a firework...already feel like I have lost 100 pounds though it's only been 30...and I still have 15 before I can have my surgery....but I already feel a little more girly...excited. Listening to my daughters cd's and bopping around like I'm 16 lol.

436.8

today I am at 436.8 which means only 16.2 more lbs. to lose before surgery!!

I got a letter in the mail yesterday for my Gastric Emptying test. I am to eat 2 eggs, toast, jelly and liquid at the hospital then they will take images in 1,2, and 4 hours. I'm not sure exactly why this test is required but I am doing whatever they tell me. Heck if they told me to stand on my head for this I would sure as heck try...lol.

It's funny because I have had the opportunity to have surgery for so long and I have weighed it over in my mind and never went for it, I guess there is just a time when you finally had enough....wish I had done it years ago but then I see people much older than me going for it so I'm also I didn't wait that long. I am in my early 30's by the way :).

did I mention I CAN'T WAIT to start my new life???

A waste of life

Another lovely FAT EXPERIENCE story for ya'll.

My friend is a teacher and I was working with a consumer who happened to be volunteering in her classroom. Basically as a supported living specialist I was helping this person to volunteer. There was one older teacher in the classroom who was a teachers helper. Apparently after I left the classroom, this woman had some harsh things to say about me. The one that hurt m the most was that I am a "waste of life". She said a person my size isn't even fit to live and that I was just a waste of space. Can you imagine? I mean I was very nice to this woman, very polite and she is judging me by my body size and not my heart....it really hurt!! I can't wait to lose weight and show her that I can be beautiful on the outside and on the inside....and she will still be ugly on both accounts!!

no more error

Just got back from my daily walk....it's 11:38 pm. I'm so tired but I do feel proud of myself for keeping up with a daily walk. back, knees and ankles hurt.

Guess what the scale said this evening?!!

NO more ERROR message, I am back on myscale!!!

ERROR

There is nothing like stepping on your scale in the morning and getting a big fat ERROR message! BOO! I have been dieting for 6 days and apparently still have not lost 10 pounds. I have been walking everyday and eating nothing but a little meat and salad. I can't wait to get back on my scale so I can monitor my weight. BTW my scale max is 440 so I don't have far to go, I am just so tired of getting this ERROR message!

(nope that's not my feet, but they were cuter than mine lol)

The Elephant

I have been fat all my life. I remember the first time my mother sent me to weight watchers I was in second grade. One of my worst fat days was in fifth grade. It was my 11th birthday and I was in school. I got a call from the office telling me to come down, when I arrived I saw a mug with flowers and a big balloon and was sooo excited. I practically skipped back to my classroom and took my seat...beaming with pride! A few minutes later the teacher had to excuse herself from the classroom. One of my classmates turned around laughing and asked "How did they get your picture on the balloon?" The whole class bust out laughing. I looked up at my yellow balloon to realize there was an elephant on the balloon. I tried my hardest to hold my composure as tears welled up inside. I walked home that day, crying, and feeling like a worthless elephant....not caring anymore that it was my birthday....Just remembering how my class had laughed at the FAT ELEPHANT sitting in their classroom :( It was the worst birthday of my life and a day that I will never forget.

I really owe it to that 11 year old little girl to get fit....finally be happy in my own skin!!!

PAIN

If I complain about pain after surgery someone please remind me of this post. lol

I AM IN PAIN! I don't say that to complain but I want to remember when I am free of all this extra weight of how much it HURT. My legs hurt, my knees and back are killing me right now. Even my elbow joints hurt. I wanna curl up in my bed and just sleep because moving around hurts so much! When I went to the Dr. he said the pain was caused by my weight so hopefully it will be better after  take off the weight. It hurts to walk around, going up stairs is nearly impossible, even going up a curb hurts my knees.

OK so I need to remember this if I complain that surgery hurts because that pain is temporary but the pain of being FAT is everyday. That's not even taking into account the emotional pain....people staring, not being able to do what others can do, not fitting into chairs, not being able to go on rides or sit in a booth....and on and on....OK point made? Being FAT HURTS!!!!

I ate healthy today and had a nice smoothie after my evening walk. I used soy milk, plain yogurt, strawberries, banana and oj to make a smoothie for the whole family. I did NOT want to walk today but the kids encouraged me to start and hubby encouraged me all the way, reminding me how good thin is going to feel. He really helped a lot. Hubby is trying to lose weight too but is not going to do the VSG.

The max weight on my scale is 440 and last time I was at the doctor (on the 5th) I weighed 451...I wish I could weigh myself daily and see if I am making any progress towards my 30 lb. goal. I'm sure 440 will come soon enough then 420!! Then SURGERY! yay!

Guess that's all for today! Be Well !

Obsessed?

Is everyone this obsessed when they decide to have weight loss surgery? It seems like that's all I can think about. I have been on twitter trying to find other people who have had or are going to have surgery. I also have been looking for books on amazon from people who have had the surgery. I would appreciate any advice from those who have been there about books or products they have found helpful.

otherwise....I did not walk this morning, I was so sore when I woke up but I will make myself go for a walk tonight. It's a little too hot right now in Florida to walk during the day...well, for me, right now. Can't wait to see how life changes

I have one good friend who has has a gastric bypass. Though she is a size 0 she still feels like a fat person sometimes, she forgets she no longer weighs nearly 300 pounds. She and I have talked a lot about addiction transfer and I know I need to be really careful about that. She went from being a food addict to being an alcoholic. The alcoholism has done as much damage to her body as the extra weight ever had. More about my friend later.... I am a food addict, and get addicted to things pretty quickly so I know that after surgery I need to be very careful what I allow myself to do. I have already quit smoking and will stay away from alcohol.

walking

I am about to go for my first walk.... My feet are so fat they barely squeezed into my sneakers and my sneakers don't quite tie so I just had to tie a knot in them and call it good.

Eck I keep giving myself reasons not to take this walk but I KNOW I need to....ok I'm off...I'll report back when I'm home!!

20 mins later:

I did it! Whooo am I sweating but I know if I can walk at 451 with terrible knee pain then most people have NO excuse not to walk lol.

When?

So the big question right now is WHEN I will have the surgery. The doctor has ordered I lose 30 pounds before he will operate both to prove I am committed and the shrink my liver. This is going to be the quickest 30 pounds I have ever lost lol. I have cut out sugar and flour eating just (baked) meat and veggies, fruit, soy milk and Kashi "go lean" cereal.


ehhhhh I'm SO ANXIOUS!!! Back to scouring the internet!

Information about Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy

 

Info. found online at http://www.lapsf.com/vertical-gastrectomy-weight-loss-surgery.php

 

The Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy:

Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy (VSG) is a type of new weight loss surgery, and the results have been very exciting. Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy may be a good option for individuals who are either extremely overweight or whose medical condition would rule out other forms of surgery. If you are looking into weight loss surgery you more than likely know all about lap band surgery and gastric bypass surgery, but did you know that Laparoscopic Associates of San Francisco (LAPSF) has the world’s largest experience of sleeve gastrectomies (more than 1500 procedures)!

Why choose the Vertical Gastrectomy?

• No intestinal bypass
• No foreign body
• Most effective for BMI 30-55 kg/M2
• Safest for very high BMI patients
  (greater than 400 pounds)

Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy is a new bariatric procedure that offers an excellent alternative to both gastric bypass and adjustable gastric banding. Perhaps the biggest advantage of the Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy lies in the fact that it does not involve any bypass of the intestinal tract so that patients do not experience the complications of intestinal bypass including intestinal obstruction, osteoporosis, anemia, vitamin deficiency and protein deficiency.
This procedure is also known by other names like vertical gastrectomy, vertical gastroplasty, vertical gastronomy, greater curvature gastrectomy, parietal gastrectomy, gastric reduction, and sleeve gastroplasty. Related to the long-standing ‘duodenal switch’ procedure, this particular form of bariatric surgery is in fact a vertical sleeve gastrectomy to which a duodenal switch (intestinal bypass) is added.
The Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy is becoming the preferred choice for many patients seeking surgical weight loss. Because of their world renown expertise, patients travel from all over the U.S. and Canada to find LAPSF’s weight loss doctors in San Francisco.
We have performed more than 1500 vertical gastrectomies dating back to 1999 in our San Francisco Weight Loss Center. Important facts about the Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy:

• The portion of the stomach that produces the hormone that stimulates hunger (Ghrelin) is removed.
• The stomach is reduced in volume but tends to function normally.
• No dumping syndrome because the pylorus is preserved.
• Minimizes the chance of an ulcer occurring so the use anti-inflammatory drugs such as aspirin, Motrin, Aleve and ibuprofen should not be a problem.
• No intestinal bypass and therefore little chance of nutritional deficiencies
• Most of our patients with BMI between 30-50kg/M2 achieve their goal weights within 9-12 months after surgery.
• Safer alternative for high body weight (>400 pound) or medically high-risk patients.
• No foreign body or implanted devices.
• Can be done Laparoscopically in virtually all patients.
• 99% leave the hospital within one day.
• Out of region and out of state patients can return home in 5 days.

http://www.lapsf.com/vertical-gastrectomy-weight-loss-surgery.php

May 8, 2010

I had my first appointment this past week. I was intending to have Lap Band surgery but due to my weight the doctor recommended that I have Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy. I am both excited and extremely nervous. I have had a pulmonary embolism in the past and I am afraid of having another one but there are many health problems I have that could be greatly improved if not cured by the VSG. I currently have bad body pain especially in the knees and back, high blood pressure, sleep apnea, high cholesterol, menorrhagia and depression.
I am scared of the pain but then again the pain of just being alive is extreme at my weight! my body hurts A LOT! It's embarrassing to not be able to do a lot of things "normal" sized people can do. I hate being stared at! I am about to work on a list of things I want to do when I lose weight....my "New Life" list!



Beginning:465
1st appointment: 451
Goal:175